hello I'm Chuck wolf chief executive for
Charles de wolf associates LLC as a
motivational speaker and a leadership
consultant an executive coach and
trainer I often work with very
successful people in their companies
since many can't afford a professional I
volunteer to host a radio talk show
called the emotion roadmap take the
wheel and control how you feel on a
nonprofit community radio station in
Bridgeport Connecticut w PK n my reason
for doing the show is to share with as
many people as possible this wonderful
process we're helping people manage
their own emotions and their
relationships with others my goal is for
everyone listening to learn to use the
emotion road map to make life better as
you listen to me help others I hope you
are also learning as a simsbury resident
I'm delighted to be able to make the
show available through simsbury TV to
learn more go to my website wwm ocean
road map calm thank you for listening
and watching and this is Chuck Wolfen
you're listening to the emotion road map
take the wheel and control how you feel
I want to thank everybody who's tuning
in today to listen and those of you
later that are watching this you get to
see this at with my hometown and the
local TV station the simsbury TV station
has this radio show is now broadcast and
people can actually see this on youtube
and really pleased with the with the new
chapter in WV kn history where our talk
shows are now available is podcast on
soundcloud and itunes and stitcher it's
exciting times here at w PK n so if
you've been waiting to call me the show
again is the emotion roadmap take the
wheel and control how you feel and this
is Chuck wolf and why you might want to
call if you're new to this show is
because what the show is all about is
help
you to be more in control of your own
emotions now sometimes you do very well
controlling your own emotions but you
may have difficulty controlling or
influencing other people's emotions and
we help you with that as well this shows
not about manipulating people it's about
influencing people and helping them to
you know to come to the find a way to to
make emotions work for them to work have
emotions work for you instead of against
you I don't know if you've ever had that
experience where you felt like your
emotions were working against you a
number of people have gone through life
feeling like motions of things that you
just have to control they're not really
something that's helpful for those of
you that are new to the show this show
is based on this science of emotional
intelligence it's all about helping
people understand what we're learning
about the science of emotional
intelligence and how it has an impact in
our lives if I can help you each of you
to be smarter about how you manage your
own emotions smarter about how you
influence other people's emotions
smarter about the relationships you have
with other people and how you manage
those relationships then the goals for
the show are achieved because that's
that's what I want to do I've had the
wonderful opportunity to work with some
very really talented psychologists who
have conceived that this idea that with
there's another intelligence called
emotional intelligence and we all have
emotional abilities and we differ in
those abilities and those differences
matter and I want to talk a little bit
about this idea of emotional abilities
this morning that is something I do want
to talk about but the basics for the
show is that we allow people to call in
its community radio station all all the
people that listen to part of our
community here at WV kn and I want to
make this our available to you so if
you've got something even waiting to
talk to me about and again if you're new
why you might call as if you're stuck
somehow stuck on something going on in
your life maybe there's a conversation
that you need to have but you haven't
scheduled because you're worried about
it escalating somehow ER or it feels
confrontational to you and you're not
comfortable with with
dealing with conflict or perhaps you
have a situation that you you don't know
whether to pursue or not your kind of
stock about whether or not maybe you
should get a resume together because
you're hearing some rumors about what's
going on in your company and you're
unclear about whether that feels
disloyal to you and that feeling of this
loyalty especially if you've got a good
boss and somebody really trust and
respect I'm you feel like well I don't
want to do that to that person but then
you're feeling like yeah but I have a
responsibility to my family at the same
time ER or to myself just to stay
employed I mean much as I like my boss
if we really are going to go through a
merger and my job might be threatened
I'm going to take care of me or maybe
you're you're engaged in helping
somebody big time and it's taking all
kinds of your time and and you feel like
you want to help them in there may be a
friend or a family member but you feel
like you're emotionally drowning and you
need some air in some space and some
time for you so there's lots of reasons
why people might call it might be
personal might be something professional
you may be a leader struggling with
somebody in your unit or maybe even with
a whole team that seems disengaged I'd
also like to spend some time this
morning with talking about this whole
idea of engagement and then I want to
talk about leadership i'd i'd like to
have partly as a focus for the show on
what it takes to be an effective leader
have an article coming out in in a
journal coming out of the united kingdom
called human resource director and it's
going to be published in june and i'll
talk a little bit about what's in the
article um i really like talking about
writing about teaching about leadership
as well as emotional intelligence so
this shows about helping you identify
what you are feeling helping you
understand how feelings impact what's
going on in your life and that how
sometimes the feelings you have are very
helpful and at other times they may be
problematic and if they are problematic
I like to think of myself as someone who
can be as kind of like an emotional
guide for you to explore this idea of a
roadmap how did you get from one emotion
to another emotion that's more helpful
if the emotion you're feeling currently
is is
is confusion is doubt is fear is there
something I can do to maybe change those
emotions to something more useful in
your current state in terms of what you
want to achieve so the number to call
and I'll give the number several times
because we get sometimes we find people
a brand new to the show and you know it
feels like destiny to them they're
driving by they hear this person again
I'm Chuck wolf and you listening the
emotion roadmap take the wheel and
control how you feel and and the
stocking and often I find smart people
get stuck when something emotional is in
play when strong emotions are either
inside you or and are in people you're
dealing with that you care about or
maybe that you love or maybe you don't
even like but you need to care about
because you work with them when strong
emotions are in place sometimes we get
stuck smart people get stuck when
something emotional happening because we
don't have a lot of good education about
how to change emotion or how to
influence emotions most of what we learn
about emotions is all hit or miss folks
it's all trial and error and we've
learned a few things at work but it
doesn't really cover the waterfront in
terms of what we're learning about the
science of emotional intelligence can
help each one of you and that's one of
the goals for the show is to help each
one of you as you listen to anyone who
calls in I'm hoping everybody learns
something about how emotional
intelligence works and how this emotion
road map can be a key part of
everybody's life going forward everyone
that wants to listen you know I guess
nothing in life is totally free so for
WP can to be on the air or it costs
money but I do the show as a volunteer
and so many people that are at WP KN all
the programmers are volunteers and we
have many staff members to come in and
volunteer at the time but we also need
donations from people to help to keep
the operational expense at bay so we can
stay on the air for another 50 plus
years and provide your shows like this
that are designed to help the community
out and so again the number to call if
you've got something you'd like to say
to me about something in your life that
you're struggling
with that you need some help with a
conflict at home or at work something to
do with leadership in your community are
at your workplace something to do with
relationship either again at work or at
home or any place give me a call it to
zero three three three six nine seven
five six I'll say it again to zero three
three three six nine seven five six and
one more time two zero three three three
six nine seven five six now sometimes I
find that on beautiful days like the one
what happened in Bridgeport Connecticut
where it's it's sunny out and people
haven't been outside for a while and you
know the garden and the yard is asking
you to please take care of it that maybe
we don't have a smelling people
listening today as we might other days
when its rainy outside and people got
the radio turned on is they're doing
things around the house but maybe you've
got your radio on outside and you have
your cell phone with you pick it up and
give me a call if you've got something
going on you'd like to talk about again
2033 369 756 so in the meantime is I'm
waiting for you to call I wanted to talk
to you a little bit about this idea of
abilities emotional abilities most of
the time I think when you have someone
in your life that's not doing what you
want them to do or you think that they
should be doing or they're they're doing
things that don't make sense to you that
don't seem rational something emotional
is going on for them and you might think
that it's attitudinal sometimes you know
if somebody is really showing up in the
workplace for instance and and you know
it's often sarcastic and and and treats
other people unkindly and you know makes
a lot of jokes at other peoples expense
up we got a first phone call hi this is
Chuck you're on the year who am I
talking to place igt I'm sorry what my
name is Jeanne Jeanne hi Janey how are
you good I'm gonna turn my radio down
thank
that makes life easier yeah so I do have
a situation it's with my sister there's
conflict don't or another sister because
she has a severe disability she happens
to be my twin and my other sister hasn't
seen her in 40 years okay can you hold
it just a second gen I just want to say
I'm not hold but just I just want to
tell the others we have another caller
who's trying to call it I don't have
anybody helping with the show folks so
if you if you want to talk to me after I
finish talking with Jeanne please feel
free to call back thanks okay Janie so
you've got one sister that is a twin of
yours and she has not seen the other
sister in 40 years is that right not the
truth join it yeah my twin hasn't seen
my younger sister in over 40 years I
think she has a fear of it okay it it
interferes with my relationship with my
younger sister because as much as the
intellectual part of me understands why
she can't cope with it I I feel you know
angry I feel sad and I can't talk to her
about it we had a fall out over a whole
other issue a couple of months ago and I
know it because that bothers me and me
very selfish of my younger sister that
not to both fever so let me let me
understand this this yourself and two
sisters one of whom is a twin of yours
and you have your your kind of
appointment the twin is actually the one
that has the severe disability she's in
a group home ok ok I'll Connecticut very
well taken care of she's my angel but
may my younger sister doesn't seem to be
able to bring herself to go see her ok
so your concern you're you're upset and
angry with your younger sister for not
being able to step up and go see your
your twin who's the
something more hurt than angry I get it
it's not an easy my sister is she was
born with water on the brain she's in a
wheelchair you know she's very
compromised she's beautiful she's got
great blue eyes but you know people with
disability not everybody can embrace
them like I knew I I've done my living
working with other disabled people
because of my twin okay so so part so
let me let me suggest to you that the
whole idea of how this show works and
how the emotion roadmap works is so
you're feeling correct I mean it sounds
like a little upset but mostly heard
that your younger sister hasn't gone to
see your sibling your other your twin in
all these years right yep so let me ask
what would be better for you to feel
would it would it be better for you to
feel accepting of your younger sister do
you think I I've gone through periods of
accepting yeah and and it is a much
healthier place for me to see when I'm
in that great yeah but it's lately
because there's been some very happy
things happening inside like I don't
know I'm like all mixed up because when
I see her lately might be it the younger
sisters that you know will go see my
twin it grabs up that full all those
emotions of you know her and then and it
gets in my way I know it does okay so so
let me let me explain Jeanne that
there's two there's two ways to possibly
help you when you're it yet one is you
have had times you've told me already
where you have been more accepting of
your younger sisters behavior right yep
so one one thing that we could explore a
little bit is like so what's triggering
your lack of acceptance at this point
and is there some way to get back to
being more accepting so you feel better
even though nothing's change
it's really that's all inside your head
and the good news about that is you
control that I mean is it ok so i agree
but lately so I saw my younger sister
two months ago and we had lunch with
friends we go up with that you know
lived across the street and she told my
younger sister said lighten up and as
soon as she says that that trigger went
and I know she and I wanted to be act in
a different way and I blurted out you're
so selfish and he just like I go back to
that adolescents that you know when we
were growing up and I know it I feel a
little surreal like I see it happening
but it really is so it eaten me not to
react so let me let me before I say
anything about that let me just say this
to you about the other choice because
one choice is just to help with what's
going on inside your own head right the
second choice is to try to understand a
little bit more about your younger
sister and why she's struggling with
this and to possibly help her to
struggle less with it and maybe even
visit now that's probably not going to
happen given 40 yeah but but but maybe
but right now okay but let me maybe we
could just explore a little bit about
why you think she has such a hard time
with visiting your other sister okay so
we were born in 54 he was born in 58 she
personally believed on some level it was
her fault that Barry went into you know
a training center field and we all know
that's not really very had a lot of
medical issues that my mom put in tend
to any more in the doctor back then
that's what you did you know you went
into like southbury or beans field
training center inc we saw her every
weekend you know with my family my dad
drove us all there
I'm sure she feels like it was her fault
but and I you know I am I'm empathetic
to that but you know it's time to grow
up and write you up yourself it's oh and
just do the right thing so let me let me
let me is actually going to be the topic
of my show anyway I was going to talk
about something about emotional
abilities um yeah yeah in the bullet but
yeah in the stuck piece I know is what
you responded to but but this is
something I haven't said yet so let me
say this is for everybody not just for
you Jeannie but I think it will help you
understand a little bit about what's
going on so um your sister your twin
sister has some physical disabilities
very obvious to you and to your younger
sister thank you and cognitive okay
functions as a two-year-old got it so
and and you're extremely accepting of
that and you have been all these years
right great yeah you call her your angel
and you go and visit and you and you
deal with that yeah you're all the time
yeah no your other sister your younger
sister you think that her lack of going
to see your twin is somehow attitudinal
and immature and that somehow she needs
to suck it up and just be stronger and
better and more able to go see your old
you know did before there's no time left
on the planet exactly that that somehow
that they should reconcile and that
naked yeah making men's with it my older
brother hadn't seen her in 50 years he
finally went to see her about three
years ago I mean it's it's time he felt
it's just like put it we could be a
happy family together you know and
you're avoiding her for what I don't
know well let me let me let me just ask
you to listen for a minute now you know
let me just let me just that's okay i
mean i got a lot of stuff going on so I
get that but I want to say something
that's that I don't think most people
understand and I think it may have an
impact in this situation here so well
one of the things that I want to just
let me just talk a little bit about this
idea of having an
emotional intelligence and what that's
all about so what these these
psychologists discovered is that we have
abilities called emotional abilities and
those abilities are different in all of
us so some of us recognize right away
what another person is feeling we're
really in touch with that we're very
good at it we're very accurate in our
perception of other people's feelings
and also our own feelings and and some
of us are very poor at identifying other
people's feelings so I just that's just
on the identification of what a feeling
is that somebody's experiencing some of
us are really good at seeing it and some
of us are not the second skill set even
emotional IQ there's a book no no no no
let me let me finish Jeanne I appreciate
if you wouldn't let let me just go all
the way through this okay yeah okay so
the second skill set is this idea of
using emotions that is that there are
certain emotions that are particularly
well-suited for a certain task than
other emotions so that if we don't if if
we're smart about what we want to feel
and we have something important coming
up and we let's say we want to feel
confident we're feeling anxious that we
know confidence is the better feeling
and so we if we the third branch of
these abilities as understanding
emotions and if we know how emotions
work we can think about how to change
from one emotion to another if we have
that skill set now the last part the
last branch and maybe the most important
is this ability to manage emotions and
its ability to manage our own emotions
and our ability to manage emotional
relationships with others and I'm going
to suggest to you I don't know this for
a fact but I'm going to suggest to you
that your younger sister has
disabilities to not obvious disabilities
not physical disabilities not cognitive
disabilities but emotional disabilities
and if she has the inability to manage
her own emotions around your twin if she
is unable to change anything to do with
that relationship with that twin and
you're not being empathic and supportive
of her disability because you don't
recognize it
you want her somehow to like ignore this
this fact that you all these years she's
felt somehow responsible and she can't
get past it and it's not because she
doesn't want to when it's not because
she's a bad person and it's not cuz
she's immature and it's not that she's
not a grown-up she just doesn't have the
emotional ability to manage her own
emotions in the same way you do right
and if it's an it and if it's a
disability if it's really something that
she can't do Jeanne then I think you've
got to stop feeling like she needs to
because she can't and if she can't
that's different than she won't do you
understand yeah I do I mean I don't know
if I'm right about that but over 40
years if she hasn't going to see your
twin and she can't get past the fact
that she feels somehow responsible I
mean maybe it's something the therapist
could help with I don't know but if I do
recognize and this is this is the point
I wanted to make for everybody that's
listening is we all have emotional
abilities and we are different in those
abilities and those differences matter
those differences might be why you're
able to see your twin and feel like
she's an angel and you want to go and
support her and she's just as much a
part of your family even with all her
limitations but your younger sister
can't because she doesn't have the
emotional management of her own emotions
ability to be able to carry that out
without suffering great enormous
personal pain yeah does that make any
sense I make sense no it's a good way
it's a good viewpoint to have a
healthier one for me because because it
because if my body softening up because
when I was talking about it I was on the
verge of here when you're you're making
it more rational like that infant so so
so I assume asain ability assuming I'm
right and she has an inability in this
area can you be compassionate towards
her in the same way you want to add your
other sister I'm trying yeah I am trying
see I wouldn't have called you if it did
bother me
no I understand but if and I can't say
for sure that I'm right about this but
chances are i'm probably you know on
track here that she has less ability to
manage her own emotions and that's why i
mean if you think of her as a general
you know in most situations as a good
person a good family member but you just
can't do this in and you get mad about
it because that every once in a while
you're you know on your good days you're
accepting and then once something she
said something the other day and it
triggered something for you and you
reacted to it and you viewed her as
selfish if you view her as selfish then
you've stopped thinking about the
possibility that she might have an
emotional but I call an emotional
disability kind of like people have
learning disabilities yeah if she has an
emotional disability in that she can't
manage her emotions very well around
very stressful personal situations and
she does it's everything she can do to
just you know keep herself together
around most of the stuff that happens in
her life that going to see this twin of
yours that she somehow still feels some
you know responsible in some way it just
kills her every time she even thinks
about it then the nice thing to do is
don't bring it up yeah okay that's a
good way to reframe it yeah does that
help it reframed it yet okay well thank
thank you so much for calling Jeannie
appreciate the call and again hopefully
everybody's learned something as we go
through these conversations are you have
a great day now bye bye right so i hope
everybody got that idea that sometimes
people don't always do things that we
think they should do not because they
don't want to because they're unable to
isn't that interesting right it's one of
the things i write about in this journal
article and very few people are talking
about this this way i mean when i
realized that that we have this this
science of emotional intelligence and
that people really can be met you can
actually be measured on these abilities
you can be measured on your ability to
identify emotions you're going to use
emotions intelligently understand
emotions of management motions that we
got not x collar
hi this is Chuck you're on the air who
am I talking to yeah Chuck this is
dennis you've spoken to me a couple of
times in your last couple of shows you
know I dance how are you I'm good you
know I uh if it's okay with you I just
was going to give you sort of the the
latest on that situation I had been
telling you about about that that tough
breakup that I had gone through two
months ago you know okay you know yeah I
guess this maybe we sort of it the
downside of Facebook say thank goodness
i guess the realizations that i've been
making in the last week or two have kind
of helped me a little bit to come to
terms you know with the pain of this
breakup but what what had happen was
happened out of it actually is that the
you know the girlfriend i told you you
know who had broken off with me right
had asked me at the time that we parted
if I minded if she kept in touch with my
friends or I'm not sure she asked me I
think she said I'm going to keep in
touch with your kids I hope that's okay
with you okay well what's become
apparent to me at this point is that two
out of my three daughters you know
who-who yeah and I want to get into the
details of it but you know who suffered
some abuse as children at the hands of
you know either Sam you know family
members involved in this and whatnot you
know they they've always felt I guess
that that was never handled very well at
the time you know and apparently harbor
a great deal of anger you know in
resentment about that you know and so my
ex has kind of tapped into those two out
of three like I said you know my my my
other daughter you know it's just feels
like I'm I'm taking a lot of abuse that
I don't deserve here but but anyway so
she's kind of you know who formed a kind
of consolidated front there I guess out
of her need to validate you know how she
treated me or how that she broke up with
me or whatever and you know his now it's
a you know that my two of my daughters
have kind of come out and said well you
know you're really a terrible
disappointment as a human being and his
father and I mean just just went on and
houses a hunch out ken wha it's been
very very difficult and
course you know I'm looking immediately
to see my own fault in this you know I'm
saying well you know what did I do wrong
here how did i disappoint these people
you know but I've tried this shoe on for
size a bit you know and and you know II
it brush that they're painting the u.s.
you know it just doesn't really fit you
know I mean and I realized that a lot of
what's coming out is you know the the
insecurities of the Bureau of this
girlfriend I was dealing with that
basically you know probably the
relationship would have worked if I had
given up all my friends that I came into
the relationship with you know because
she found them that that that's
threatened you know her let me stop you
Dennis for a second because they kind of
been over the relationship this and I
think we kind of cover that anyway so uh
you know let me limit can I say some
yeah go ahead Chuck I would just ask one
question but go ahead yeah now what I
want to say is I think they so if the
focus is about your daughters that's
like I think then I you know this is
little to do with the woman that there
is your ex and a lot of continuing I
guess because their relationship is
ongoing I just did it's kind of hurtful
I feel like hey you know what they're
all adults there's not much i can join
you use these daughters i'm speaking of
you know our into their 30s and one
nearly forty you know and just again I
feel like there's little point to me i
guess in even attempting to try to talk
to them about it so try to defend myself
because i know you know they just cannot
they're not hearing it you know what I
mean I do so love it let me let me stop
you again Dennis because it's I gotta
interrupt you because you you don't
often leave them much room to go ahead
to say anything but let me say this to
you about it so in talking with you
several times as you pointed out I've
noticed that um you know you have a lot
of things going on and you want to
defend a lots of stuff that you've done
and so I don't know how much of it is
really defensible defensible and I don't
even know that it matters that's what's
key here because you're going to you
dwell on things Dennis and you keep
coming back to the same stuff and you
keep going round and round and I think
you got to put like a stake in the
ground and make some decisions and
i mean i can say that to you but the
other guy is going to do them but the
other thing that i'd say it is if your
daughters had some problems growing up
that use you know you said actually
happen and somehow they see you as a
part of that and they view you in a
negative light I think you can say
something to them that isn't defensive
and you can say what can I do to make it
up to you right i mean that's odd
because as soon as you go into defending
you're in trouble I mean they're just
going to you know but if you simply say
is there something I can do because i'd
like to make this up to you is if some
other is there something you need from
me that's different than the way I'm
acting with you these days that you'd
like to see different please let me know
what it is and I'll turn to ya no no I'm
good with that Chuck i mean i agree with
you i wasn't so much I maybe even
talking about trying to defend myself to
my daughter's I i feel kind of upset and
hurt and sad that that you know that
that you know that my former girlfriend
has done this and i kind of reached out
to my kids and kind of pulled them to
see let me stop you again dennis you
talked about wanting to be friends with
this woman yes that's the way we ended
it the last time and to forget about
having a relationship with a your
dwelling on her so much I don't think
you can even be friends well I think you
just forget about her yeah and be good
because Dennis this is consuming your
life it's keeping am I guess and it's
keeping you up at night you're thinking
about all the time thank god I've been
I've kind of really returned to my
practice of meditation and that's been
helping me you know a great deal but
it's like in the last couple of days
since this came to light the level of
hurt has really deepened from just
losing my girlfriend to now my two
daughters kind of turning on me as i
said as i said to you as i said to you
you let go of the woman disconnect from
that and don't talk to your daughter's
about this woman if they want to bring
something up about to see you know i'm
not even i don't want to I think I can't
have a relationship with her so I really
don't wanna talk about that but if we
want to talk about our relationship my
relationship with you I want to know
what I can do to make things right with
you that's all I want it that's all I'd
like to talk with you about I don't want
to talk about here anymore and then you
just like you know Dennis I mean you
like I can't be a therapist so you gotta
eat but you do need to move on from this
and maybe you do need to talk to
somebody professionally about it but I
think you just got to let go because you
keep coming back around and around to
the same stuff I mean it may sound a
little different to you it doesn't to me
alright I hear if it's the same stuff
and now you're trying to you know now
you get a different angle because your
daughters are involved so you think you
can talk about it again it really let go
of the relationship I don't think you
can be friends I don't think you should
continue anything with this woman I
think you need I guess we'll get on with
your life and if you find yourself going
back and forth then meditate more if
that's what works for you but with your
daughter's I wouldn't I wouldn't I
wouldn't say a word about this woman if
they bring it up say you know what I'm
trying to let go of that relationship
and I'm trying to move on so I'd rather
not talk about it but if you want to
talk about our relationship me with you
I just want to know what can I do to
make things right with us that's all and
then keep it at that right yeah and they
do appreciate that Chuck I really do
because I'm you know I'm trying real
hard not to stay stock you know and you
know and I thought I had let go of the
whole thing more or less apparently not
I know I mean it seemed like things were
getting better but then just came around
like a boomerang and brought it all back
up again you know I see yeah no I mean
it's another trigger but as I said you
know the woman's going to ima look
you've got this kind of relationship
that is like she won't let go either by
staying in touch with your kids she's
not letting go either i mean i'm not
saying this is all on you Dennis what
I'm saying for you you gotta just kind
of you know you know when somebody's
interacting with you and they get a
reaction it makes it's like a game and
it's like the game keeps going every
reaction they get if they stop getting
any reaction from you if with your
daughters you shut it down so the your
daughter's don't go back and say
something this woman about what you said
about her I've done yeah that's just
kind of you know not angrily I mean like
you can Dennis you can't say a word
about her I mean you can't you just have
to say I really don't want to talk about
this he just giving a truck even even
with my feeling towards my children I
mean it is all I can review for them as
a tremendous amount of love and sorrow
that any of this stuff ever happened in
the past but you and that's my primary
concern you know over all these things
they've said to me or
written to me I can't feel hurt about it
I can't feel angry about I just feel
very sad about it you know and so what
did I tell you to do ya know to can you
perhaps reach out to them offering to
try to you do whatever it takes to make
them feel better about the situation and
don't and you know just say I'm really
sorry you feel the way that you do and I
and I own some of this obviously and so
I just want to go forward and figure out
what we need to do go I mean you know
the best the best therapy for folks
sometimes is trying to deal with the
past is to recognize that the past
sucked at some level and some things
that didn't go the way you wanted and
instead of dwelling on and saying I wish
I could have fixed this that or the
other thing is you know what you got is
the futures in front of you and what you
get what you got going forward is what
can I do in terms of a positive step so
that every time you talk you don't get
sucked into talking about things in the
past and you certainly don't want to
talk about this woman and say anything
other than I don't want to talk about
this woman I just want to talk about us
if we're talking together and I just
want to talk about what I can do going
forward it's going to work for you know
that text you know I really appreciate
that advice Chuck because I mean up till
now I feel like I haven't been somebody
who gets stuck in the past or dealt with
any of these emotions which is why I'm
calling you in other words all this
feels very new to me you know I don't
tend to obsess about things I don't tend
to get caught up in it but my heart was
very very deeply involved in all this so
it's been very very painful but I've
decided again in terms of that
relationship in the last bunch of weeks
you know just kind of keep moving
forward and just you know kind of moving
at taking all that energy and kind of
reinvesting and in feeling better and in
my own life but they're like i said this
only came up a bit to my kids in the
last two days or so and it's just like
throwing it all back yeah we need uglier
light and it was in before and I'm just
like I can't get away from this thing
you know yeah well I mean you do have
one strategy that works that's your
meditation and if you can listen to the
words that I said about keep moving
forward go Todd don't talk at all about
this woman anymore just keep shutting
that down and just keep focusing on with
your kids what can we do going forward
to make this better
can I do I think you got a reply
appreciate that Chuck hopefully that's
the last time I'll be holding you know
that's okay all right Dennis good good
luck take it easy thanks so much they're
getting by by okay so I mean you know
sometimes you're stuck in you're really
stuck and then even when you try to get
unstuck things keep coming back and bite
me in the fanny you know it's hard to
let go of things that's for sure by the
way you know dennis is you know get
something going on that if you've
listened to show you know they stop
called a few times but it's you know a
lot of us do a lot of us have things in
our life that we just can't seem to let
go of and it rationally it makes sense
to let go of things at times but boy
sometimes it's hard and and and part of
it is like you know there's an
interesting concept about feeling
something is better than feeling nothing
and even if that's something is negative
it's better than not feeling anything at
all and so when we have somebody fan the
flames in our adrenaline Russian
sometimes we get addicted to that
feeling of just wanted something happen
that is going to keep us feeling engaged
feeling you know alive even if it's
negative sometimes we react that way so
that leads me into something else I
wanted to ask listeners about today and
I want to thank Jeannie and dinners for
con and anybody else so I'll repeat the
number for you to zero three three three
six nine 756 2033 369 756 so I want to
talk about this idea of being engaged
okay we got another call hi this is
Chuck you're on the air who am I talking
to please good morning are actually good
afternoon Chuck my name is Juan Warren
how are you today I'm pretty good how
are you today I'm good thank you what's
on your mind interesting listening to
your program today simply because it's
so much thing that is in such relation
that these people have gone through or
experiencing now
so that I've gone through for 40 years
no I mean better station I've ever been
in in my life all goes back to nineteen
seventy five actually goes back to
nineteen seventy-two when my mom ended
up going in and out of the hospital
every two weeks for chemotherapy because
Hodgkin's disease and at the time I was
only 11 years old yeah but I was never
told by my father that my mother was
dying I was ever told by my mother that
she was dying I knew she was ill but I
did not know she was lying right now 55
years old and I'm the youngest before in
range the next one is four years old and
in Venus my brother Andrew the next one
after that my sister she's six years
older than me and my old before the
author is older than I sell all of a
sudden it came down to where my sister
got married the middle of June 1975
shall we play at my mother passed away
so I was in the house with my dad my
brother it was four years old and I'm a
just moved on to college he was never
home because he was working three jobs
going to see his girlfriend in Boston
where she went to school every weekend
my sister obviously she just got married
she was out of the house my oldest
brother had just recently he's been out
of the house for a couple of years this
is down to my father ah no like I said
it was never any discussion I was never
told anything about my mother's illness
there's never any discussion about it
many way shape or form and all the day
my mother died was in the middle of the
night before we came to the bottom of
the stairs my brother Andrew happen to
be home and he just set up the stairs
voices just got a call from the hospital
your mother just asked end of entire
subject
you know that nothing ever came beyond
that and it took me a long long time
I've seen a lot of their actually the
several therapists throughout my life
but the therapists were really never
never got any gain from them as to what
was going on with me it took me a long
time to realize and up until just a few
years back that I had harbored a great
deal of anger in me because I have
family and all of some one day the
entire family was gone in essence a
father and I lived in the house together
we got along okay but that's about all
the relationship we ever had and it just
through the years it took me a long time
to realize I had become there so my
family's psychological punching bag
including my father's psychological
punching bag I've always always
different than the rest of auntie
Dressen has always had a very very high
IQ and I've always had a very artistic
and creative ability and talent my
mother recognized that my mother always
encouraged that with me but after my
mother died there was never any support
for my intellect or my artistic
creativity and talent it was always more
of just get a job shut your mouth and do
what you're told and that was it
unfortunately that kind of language long
because with the piece of property on a
lake here in Connecticut that my
grandfather bought 1945 that stayed in
the family because it overly my flower
so they're Lissa's continued closeness
being with my family throughout all
these years up until recently and it's
like I said it all came down to me
harboring an anger because you could
never my father was one you could never
get into a serious conversation if you
tried to be seriously with him within
five minutes of stuff in that
conversation with well I don't want to
talk about anymore an opposite I I don't
mean to cut you off but you know I don't
know you know we started in nineteen
seventy two of my shows only an hour so
I just want to know what is it you're
feeling right now that you'd like to
change do you think well no it's it's
the fact that everything now is coming
to a change where i spose recognize
things and the only reason why i started
speaking with you is because I see some
correlations between the woman who is
speaking to you before the other guy and
the other gentleman with this border so
so what so tell me about that you know
I've got a little bit of the history so
tell me about what's going on for you
right now and what what you're hoping
happens as a result of this call oh no I
just thought maybe I shouldn't be taking
up your time no no I'm just trying to
understand so you just wanted to kind of
tell us about you have these experiences
over the course of your lifetime I mean
I get it I mean and it sounds like your
anger was justified and your mother's
your support from your mother was real
and gone and people didn't even tell you
that she was dying I mean and in the
relationship with your dad was okay but
it wasn't great and you feel kind of
like you were someone that was for
whatever reason maybe everybody was
angry about your mom pass and I'm
guessing and so somehow some of that
anger got trance transferred to you I'm
not sure why but yeah and and so where
are you now what do you feeling now well
where I finally got to and it took it
took a lot okay you know I had become
incredibly I lost all self-confidence I
lost all self-esteem we've always been
very very good at what I do in my career
I've actually been excellent what i do
and i'll always love giving up myself to
other people extending myself whether it
was my knowledge and my talents other
people and but i always quickly closed
the anger I carried with me I also let
tell me what you'd mentioned earlier
about just recently the thing of us I
say this
always pushes a good aside because I was
constantly told in essence I was no good
good people who came into my life I was
afraid to let them in because of the
pain that I would feel from my family so
I never let them in and I push the good
people in my life away and I let people
who would eventually hurt me into my
life I guess what I'm talking about is
growing and starting to recognize and
experience and things and realizing it
takes a lot of effort because you get
stuck in you really hurt really bad and
it's very easy to get up into situations
like the person who he is physically
abused for a long long long long time
right and that kind of becomes their
normality and even when they try and
break out of it they end up falling back
into it and letting it happen again and
I did that I like I said up until
recently I realized i've been doing that
all my life interesting i think i'm just
talking in correlation to some of these
other people have you figured out a way
to move past any of this oh yeah so what
worked for you what that what works fire
what what what what made this better
somehow well what this connecting to a
certain degree from all my family okay I
just walk I kind of walked away from all
you know ah you know I always extended
myself to them I'm not going to get into
particular okay uh and I've always been
there for them and I've always tried to
see and discuss their pain okay but you
move past that and then so what so
what's helped you so you move past that
was that the key thing moving moving
away from them and realizing it took a
lot of effort to sit there and go I fell
into a point of going I'm Annapolis
absolutely worthless person yeah and
what it did was realizing like I said I
finally recognized that also I was
allowing was negativity to exist in my
life and pushing away positive people
and positive influences and sitting
there and going I can't live like this
so what triggered this for you how did
you figure out that you mean did you
reach a breaking point where you're just
a tie either either you're not gonna you
know what you know what the breaking
point was I used to work for Yale
University and I said to a woman who I
befriended there no sex no intimacy just
friends and one day in a private
conversation after a couple of years I
mentioned to her i said look because
your position is Thatcher in a
department you need to stop stealing
yelled resources and Yale time because
having a negative effect on the morale
in the department a lot of the younger
people seeing it and it's really hurting
things this person claimed a harassment
suit against me and then spend a lot of
Lies saying that I sexually harassed her
so I eventually lost my job because and
that really was the key because I was
like ah I let another person and a lot
of people there was saying stay away
from this person she's evil stay away
from this person she's evil well well
all I found out she was pretty evil and
I just had pushed me over a hump and I
said man what have I been doing in
myself for my life you know and it was
the same time where I said I looked back
and saw such a parallel and correlation
occur of this woman two members of my
family interesting I said I got this is
killing me I'm killing myself by
allowing this to continue because I kept
falling back into that position of that
place okay so let me let me see if I can
make some sense out of this for
listeners and so so for me just
listening to you and then I'm going to
go because I got something else calling
but for me this listening to it's kind
of like when you recognize that you're
repeating the same thing
with someone else outside of your family
and it was having the same negative
impact on you it was like a light bulb
when you know kind of blasted through
your brain you know just kind of glaring
lights shining on what am i doing to
myself and it was at that point that you
decided that you know change isn't an
option anymore change has to happen
exactly okay I mean you know one of the
things that I think of you know years
ago for it when I was a therapist is it
you constantly look for themes because
you know when you are abused when you
are a target when you are somebody who
is told that you don't have much
worthwhile going on in life it's hard to
get that message out of your head but
the whole show is about taking the wheel
and control you feel so let me thank you
for the call and I'm glad I'm glad that
you found some relevance and with some
of the other conversations and hopefully
everybody got something that says hey
think about the themes in your life and
if they're not playing out the way you
want maybe you want to change some of
them okay quietly okay thanks a lot for
the call thankfully a lot like thanks
allowing me to take your time have a
good day man you too bye bye hi this is
Chuck you're on the air am I talking to
hijack this is Jerry from trumbull hi
Jerome I just can make a statement that
could perhaps help out I think it was
Jeanne okay so what's called a little
bit ago I wasn't able I didn't have the
radio on so I didn't hear the beginning
of the conversation but I am also a twin
and my twin also has developmental
disabilities with an IQ of about sixty
nine and a similar situation a brother
who is three years older had not had any
contact with her for about 18 years and
so I just wanted to validate what you
had said earlier with regards to people
not being emotionally stable or possibly
not even in the same emotional state as
you are yeah when I was what I was
saying was something along the lines
stereo that this idea of emotional
abilities that I actually think there
were some things that were at some point
we're going to start defining people as
having emotional disabilities
and then if you if you realize somebody
can't do something is not able as
opposed just won't because you think
walking when you say won't it sounds
selfish when you say they unable then
you can feel some sympathy for him right
and that's exactly what happened with me
I had just found out about seven years
ago that my brother is not emotionally
able to handle any of that and I took
him in to live with me for a little bit
and I felt strongly that he might even
have a form of Asperger's that we never
knew about and so for all of those 17 or
18 years I felt the same way as Jeanne
did why can he not even communicate with
our sister she needs him but I did find
out you know obviously later on in life
but I just wanted to share that because
I just thought it was wonderful the
statements that you put out there and
hopefully this will help her as well
thanks so much Jerry the old idea of us
being a community radio station when
people call in and support of one
another makes it feel really like a
community so thanks a lot for the phone
call I appreciate it I totally agree
thank you very much check okay thank you
know bye bye hi okay everybody thank you
for listening today it's been listening
to chuck wolf take the emotion roadmap
take the wheel in control i fel you've
been listening to WP KN 89.5 FM in
bridgeport serving Fairfield New Haven
and litchfield counties in Connecticut
Suffolk County in New York and
communities around the world be a
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you tuned in and you missed part of the
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PK no RG and in a few minutes general
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put this up on soundcloud and on iTunes
and on stitcher so you all have a great
week and enjoy the good weather while we
have it it's nice to see the Sun and
thanks everybody for calling in for
tuning in for listening and I'll be back
with you in the first second and fourth
wednesdays of every month take care now
bye bye
member
you
try
Oh
Wow
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